Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Life can be such a roller coaster sometimes! Makes me wish I ate a lighter lunch :/

College is hard. Period.
If it's not hard, you were born on a bed of four leaf clovers, or aren't working hard enough.
We all know this. Some have been there, done that, some are there now, and some are anxiously awaiting in blissful ignorance.
Don't get me wrong, I love college, but some days are just so much better than others. I'm in the same boat as everyone else on campus worrying about homework, saving every penny to afford to eat, and wondering if I'm remotely appealing to the opposite sex... But sometimes you just feel like its just you; floundering above the surface alone. You know those days. The ones where someone asks how you are doing and the only polite and un-depressing description you can give is "It's just one of those days"? Well today might have fit under that category. For your entertainment I'll start from the beginning.
9:30- I woke up (not feeling like P-diddy mind you. I go to bed at 2 am, I promise I'm not that lazy)
11:30- Class. Guess what, I really do enjoy learning. I daresay I love it. It's just unfortunate I'm forced to learn the material so fast that it may not stick :(
2:00 come home feeling sick. (I've had an intolerance to dairy the last week or so. Which doesn't make me a happy camper. That's what I get for working at Dairy Queen for 2 1/2 years) I also receive a text from my brother asking if there was previously a dent on the back bumper of my car.... FYI there wasn't, but I wasn't too concerned.
3:00 Go to the library and attempt to be a good student.
6:00 Come home, go to check out my car. Cry. That "small" dent I'd imagined happens to be the size of my face.
6:05 Find my roommate Caitlyn, and cry more. It's dumb to cry about something I cannot change. This I know, and frankly I never thought I'd react in the manner I did regarding my car. But I think it was just a match to a gas can of frustration. I'm gonna explain how I am like a man in this way: My car is my baby. I worked A LOT in high school to earn enough money to purchase it, and have payed the price (quite literally) to keep it in good shape. I wax it, armor all the interior, vacuume, keep it clean, touch up little paint chips, my daddy takes care of the maintenance like oil changes, I pay for "great" insurance, moral of the story, I love this little car! I get it, accidents happen... but this car is the only thing I really have of serious value next to my laptop. Now I feel like it has a tramp stamp. What bothers me most I think is that I didn't even get into an accident! It was a hit and run. Happy birthday to me. I understand we are all poor college students, it was probably an accident, and maybe they panicked... but come on! Who leaves a dent that big, and not a note to even say sorry :( needless to say, If you aren't aware, I am devastated. I called my mom who happens to be my Diary, poor woman. She said something kind of sad... she said "Why is it every time you call me you are crying?" (disclaimer, I call her daily, I'm not always crying) but I know why that's the case. I told her it's because I miss her. I haven't been homesick in the past but I am this time. I miss my mommy. I've never been the super touchy-lovey affectionate type, and though I rarely cuddle up to my mommy, I miss knowing that if I needed to lay on her lap, she wasn't too far away. I suppose it's those times when things feel unbearable that you yearn to be back in the comfort of your childhood home where troubles melted like lemon drops. That's my explanation. Anyway, I called my mommy... and cried even more. Dang I'm a baby. Turns out that $500 fat ones I drop twice a year for car insurance is not as kind to me as I am to it. I promise I'm not That materialistic, It's just circumstances like these that add to my already existent financial stress don't settle well. Even if I wanted to make the repair on my car, I do not have enough money for it. I get it, I'm lucky to have a car at all. Moving on...
6:45 I Prepared a lesson for Family Home Evening and fixed my make-up. As if I wasn't already running late (great first impression) My printer decides to rebel against me. Not cool.
7:00 I went to FHE, my new "Family" is wonderful. I'm very excited.
Funny story about my roommate Lindsay. Last night we went to a fireside for our stake. Caitlyn decided to draw a picture of an elephant and write "for a fun date, call Lindsay. (with her number)" on it. The fireside concludes and when the guys in front of us stand up, Lindsay tells them they dropped the paper, and hands them the drawing. then hauls it out of there! What she did not know was that they are our new FHE brothers.
8:15 With that little story in mind, we decided to dress in all black and draw on their front porch, with sidewalk chalk, and elephant with the words "Call for a fun date!" including our numbers. It was loads of fun! That lifted my spirits.
We come home, and my bed collapses, I broke my cell phone charger, and my printer is still being a stink. Awesome. My brother comes over and hangs out for a while, and fixes all my problems (the ones we could at least). I spend the rest of the evening taking care of other little things and trying to not think about my car.

I'll admit I've had a few small melt downs while at school, but let me tell you something... I think... I might be okay. I have no idea what I'm doing, and as someone who must always have a plan, all of this unknown future scares the tar out of me. I don't know where I'll be living and working in the next 3 months let alone in the future. All the same, I'm trying to wake up every morning thinking today is a new day to be happy. Happy that I'm 19 and generally healthy. Happy that I share a room with one of my patient, and closest friends. Happy that I can get an education, have access to the internet and clean running water. And happy that I have the fullness of the gospel in my life. Here's a great little video I'd recommend watching, I sure have been a lot lately. It's a keeper :) I don't know if anyone really reads this but If someone does, I'm sorry for the Debbie downer post. Life is a roller coaster, today I sure felt like was one! With its ups and downs, sometimes we even throw up, but most of the time you get off of it in one piece, thinking, "that was a fun ride".
"Life is good. It is oh so good." -Stephanie Neilsen.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

"You didn't have to run!"

Here I sit, enjoying a cinnamon Roll, consciously coming in and out of the conversation happening in my living room... this is what I hear.
".... Jacob Ray: I spent a lot of time in physical therapy because of you!
Caitlyn: Oh That makes me feel good that you thought about me. You didn't have to run!
Caitlyn: Well it's not my fault that you chose to run! You seriously did not have to run...
Jacob Ray: yea.. It was a cold day, why wouldn't I let you hose me down with super soakers! With my phone and my wallet in my pocket..
Caitlyn: you told us to! you said "if you had the balls to kidnap me, Then I would come over there and let you take me"...
Jacob Ray: First of all, I would never tell a girl to have balls, because that is just wrong.
Caitlyn: Whatever... greatest night ever."
Who let these people in my apt? oh... right... one sleeps in the bed next to me. Awesome. :)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Just for the record...

We live in a busy and ambitious world. It's fast pace, accustomed to instant gratification and everything appears to be backed by fact. If there is not undoubted proof, it must not be true right? Let me make something very clear. I'm a perfectionist in a bad way, that is overwhelmed by my own imperfections. I can't seem to ever be happy with a cake I make, and can never do a card trick without the fear It won't work. My grades aren't perfect no matter how much I study. My body isn't perfect and probably never will be. My room is never the perfect temperature, my handwriting is never perfectly even. My posture is imperfect, I sometimes forget to read my scriptures, and can't do math of almost ANY kind without a calculator. I could go on and on about my self absorbed imperfections and shortcomings or how my hair never sits just perfectly, but if there is anything I DO know (and it's probably the only thing I know without a shadow of a doubt) that is that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is perfectly true in every way. Sometimes it may seem like things contradict each other, and more often than not I may not understand why God does the things he does, but the fact of the matter is this. I'm not perfect, I am still learning, and until I know everything (which will never happen) I will most likely misunderstand some things. We are not meant to understand everything God does, but to obey him and abide in faith, believing that what he does is correct and for our betterment. The Church is a perfect gospel run by imperfect people and may come off as such. Just because a recipe is perfect does not mean that the manner in which I prepare it will be. For reasons I may never understand, My Lord and Savior loves me perfectly. He himself established his gospel on the earth and even with him as the acting minister, it was sometimes rejected. His gospel left the earth after his death and has been restored. It is not a man-made church but imperfect men act as servants to the lord to sustain it. I know that the Book of Mormon is pure truth. If you have read any of it, you may understand just that. Sometimes I feel like we are so focused on the components of the cake that we miss the dessert entirely. Scriptorians and historians may try to disprove its truth but the fact remains as this: How on earth could a 14 year old boy with a third grade education POSSIBLY make up or write anything so close to scripture without it being of God. Seeing how much he sacrificed to sustain this "lie" is testament enough of it's truth. I know we have a living prophet who continues to give us counsel that the Lord wants us to know for this day in age, for us specifically. I do not have a perfect knowledge of anything outside of the fact that my mother is my mother, but I know this: The Church of Jesus Christ is true. Complex and sometimes "unconventional", when it comes to the works of God, it would have to be, because God has organized things that we as people may never fully comprehend. I guess that is why we are his children and he is our Father. I love this Gospel with all my heart, and it's truthfulness penetrates my soul far deeper than any doubts could scrape. If anyone actually reads this, know it is not meant to offend others of different denominations, merely to make clear a point. There isn't anything that would make me deny it because despite my natural instincts to follow the most visually appealing, entertaining and charismatic of teachings, or to have instant gratification and proof of all aspects in my life, I know my savior and it's within this gospel he resides. More aspects then not are very imperfect within my life, this however is not one of them.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Daydream traveling Poem

Mr. Travel agent, I need to buy a ticket...
travel to the corners of my seemingly vacant mind and meditate.
There I will find solace til bang bang bang someone pounds in my mind the information I don't really care about. Hey.. HEY, are you awake?! I am... but not for you. I'm having lemonade with my childhood memories so if you don't have something vitally important to say, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can, but for now I'll sit and replay my day, with me as the leading lady. For now, I'll sit on the feathery beaches and watch my brainwaves go by, For now I'll gaze at the twinkling sky and reach for the stars in my eyes, my eyes which watch my feet to avoid eye contact with the pressure. My feet which take me to the places I go to escape reality. The places I go which determine who I am. For now I'll stay put and find beauty in my ignorant mind, my blissful, melancholic, racing mind. One which creativity is often mistaken for insanity, but only to those that can't experience it. It's beautiful, I wish you could only see.
Hey... Hey are you awake?!
Yes... I'll send you a postcard.