Here's a serious one. We'll get it out of the way...

I've often heard the phrase "better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all."

 I think that's a load of crap. 

Pretty sure I'd rather to have never loved at all. To never have to lie awake pretending your not-as-firm-as-you'd-like pillow is their chest and you aren't all alone again. To never have to put make-up on and a happy face and pretend you enjoy being social and making small talk with every Tom, Dick and Harry. To never have to go on first dates again and ask all those boring questions of "where are you from, what's your major, are you scared of marriage like it's the plague also or is that just me?".  I'd rather not have to live with random girls I don't know for my whole college career, I'd rather not be a money pit to my parents, and not be scared that I just turned away the greatest thing in my short life. Yea, I think I'd rather never have loved at all.

I'm sure you are all wondering, and I've avoided it long enough, so let me explain my recent relationship change. I should have told people sooner but frankly, I just couldn't handle it. I'm no longer engaged. I think the most common responses I've heard in reference to this news is "I'm sorry to hear that", "did he turn out to be a jerk?" or my personal favorite, the speechless expression with a dropped jaw and eyes like they saw a ghost that says "Holy crap I just poured glass in the wound!". In an attempt to avoid maybe one more "congratulations" I'm officially announcing this unfortunate event, and I want to make one thing tremendously clear; Ryan is incredible. Nothing regarding this break up was by any means provoked by him or anything he did. He is without a doubt the most solid and remarkable man I've ever had the privilege of dating and he continues to be amazing. He is patient, and selfless, and kind in all aspects, so you're probably thinking "What's the problem?".  In a nutshell, I'm a problem. Sorry. The thing is, we attempted an entirely long distance engagement, nooot my best call, but the truth of the matter is I got scared, I panicked, and selfishly bailed out. I wasn't ready to be married, and in response made a completely emotional and life altering choice to just... stop. Words cannot express my remorse to all those involved emotionally, financially, and especially to my sweetheart Ryan.

This is my Angel, and he has truly saved me in more ways than he could ever know. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him.
So I'm at home in Spokane, working at DQ until I return to school in the fall. I'm alive. So that's that. Thank you to everyone for your understanding and patience. It's greatly appreciated! And because I haven't blogged in a while and have been going craft-crazy, you can expect many posts to follow this.
peace and blessings <3

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