Thursday, September 29, 2011

They say time heals everything... Those of faint heart, do not read.

I'll believe it when I see it. 
Time is not a medication. 
When we need it the most, there never seems to be enough. And when we want it to pass, it inches on for eternity. It's like the not-nearly-enough-portion of medical supplies during WWII, and you are the 17 year old soldier who lied about your age to serve your country, are suffering internal bleeding, 3 gunshot wounds, pain beyond anything you felt on the playground, and the medic just ran out of Morphine. So you lie there. You can pray the bombs fade in the background. Maybe you'll pass out from loss of blood. The wounds are pretty bad, but apparently not bad enough to kill you and mercifully give you the permanent slumber that at that point you'd give anything for. So still... you lie there. listening. You can hear everything around you, see all the others in pain, frantically going about their own fights for survival, but seeing past your own pain is near impossible. Envious of those who have not yet been shot. More envious of those who's injuries were severe enough to kill them on impact. And just when you think you've just about had enough, someone has the nerve to shoot you again, as if just in case, you may survive. Close your eyes, think of home. Think of Malt O' Meal on Easter morning. The look on your sister's face when she finally rode Space Mountain at Disneyland, and loved it despite her fear. Your first kiss. Your last. That time you and your best friend climbed on the roof and got stuck up there (don't tell mom). How your mom never finished reading you that novel. Footie pajamas. Find your happy place. 
                          Come on.
                                 Come on.
                                      For the love of Heaven, please!
It's kinda hard to find warmth when all the blood is draining from your body. Is it better to know when the end is near or to be hurt so bad that you don't realize it? I have to wonder...

Time cannot erase your memories, it may blur them, but they are still there, ready to be recalled, felt again, missed again, and since 75% of the pain I feel is due to remembering, I guess I'm out of luck.

                                       come on,
                                                  keep thinking...
The warmth of the Sand in Idaho, fourth of July parades at Grandma's, the smell of acrylic paint.

Do you ever feel like the one dud in the crowd at a comedy show who misses the punchline? Thanks to the tall guy in front of you, you cannot see the act, you can only hear it. The problem is, half the reason it's so funny is because of the performance the comedian is physically portraying. Maybe you're just too dumb to get the humor, because everyone seems to get the joke but you. You just paid $15 bucks to feel stupid and miss the show.
You all know what I mean, and don't you dare try to deny it. It kinda hurts. And no matter how much time passes, it's still gonna hurt like it did that first day.
Mom: You feel it every year on November 17th, and May 12th, and probably way more often than I know. 
Laura: you feel it every time you have a seizure (which is pretty often).
There's a girl on campus who's fiance died last week. She is going through Hell right now.
Some of you feel it whenever you step on a scale, or open your bill statements, or fail a test that you could not have been more confident about.
Those of you who've had a miscarriage can relate.
All those late night phone calls from the Police station when your teenager is still out on the town.
It's that sinking feeling when you realize books are replacing groceries.... but ten times worse.
It's when you are scared. Really, really scared.

Me? I feel it whenever I get on facebook, usually on Tuesdays and Thursday's during D&C. Just about every Friday and Saturday night, on Monte Christo Tuesdays, when I'm falling asleep at night. That's the worst. On the 27th of every month.

 "Time never had the chance to heal your heart." ... Will it?

Well said Jimmy. Well said.

I think the jokes on me.

Have you heard Jimmy Eat World's song "Dizzy"? It's a good one.
I couldn't find a good music video of it, so here's what you get.

"You close your eyes and kiss your hand then you blow it.
But it isn't meant for me, and I notice
If the choice was ours alone,
Then why'd we both choose letting go?
Does it end like this?

Time never had a chance to heal your heart
Just a number always counting down to a new start
If you always knew the truth
Then the world would spin around you
Are you dizzy yet?

Respectfully, so honestly I'm calling out
Do you hear the conversation we talk about?
Back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine, we show it off.

All talk and not a lot to think, we were living dreams
And shame never crept close to our naked feet
If there's something left to lose,
Then don't let me wear out my shoes
I'm still walking.

I tried, but it rang and rang, I called all night
On a payphone, remember those from another life?
If everything I meant to you,
You can lick and seal then fold in two
Then I've been so blind.

Respectfully, so honestly I'm calling out
Do you hear the conversation we talk about?
Back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine, we show it off.

Oh, oh take it all back, take the first, the last and only.
Oh, oh take it all back, take it all back,
Everything you showed me.
Oh, oh this must be how it feels when the feeling goes

I told you as I hovered, I never felt this way
You said I have the shot that stops my clock
Baby it's OK
You said you'd never have regrets
Jesus, is there someone yet
Who got their wish; did you get yours, babe?

Respectfully, so honestly I'm calling out
Do you hear the conversation we talk about?
Back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine, we show it off."

or better yet, how about a little Brand New.
My blogs official title is "Taking a bite out of Life". Sometimes life has lemons. Feel free to offer up a killer recipe for lemonade, we can all use one every once and a while.

And for that, my apologies. I needed to just get a few things off my chest, it was getting hard to breathe.

1 comment:

  1. sending prayers and love your way beautiful valerie. you have such a way with words. keep writing. xo-


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