Wednesday, October 26, 2011

What took you so long to write?

Hey You. 
It's been a while. 
You've sort of disappeared the last few months, but it's about time for you to come back.
You need to come back.
I can't do this alone anymore.
I heard it was cold where you went, and that you were scared sometimes. I'm glad you've decided to start endeavoring home; that home inside yourself where you are comfortable again, and happy, and whole. I know it's been kind of a tough road back.
I also know that's an understatement.
It may still take a little while, but I'm glad you are trying. I wish it were warmer here, but it's ok, we can keep each other warm. Mom sent hot chocolate :)

Ya know that phrase you often think about that goes something like "If you treated others the way you treat yourself, would you have any friends?"... I really want to be friends again. I miss you. 

I'm telling you this because I care:

It's time to forgive yourself. I know it's hard, and you wanted this so badly. I know you think it's all your fault, maybe it is, but you need to stop beating yourself up. He says he forgives you. You need to also. 
Stop feeling so guilty. You cannot change the past.
Call your Mom. She worries, and will always love you, even at your worst.

Just because you made a mistake, and it hurt pretty bad, doesn't mean you don't deserved to be loved by anyone. You do. I know you are still scared, but put yourself out there again. You've been broken X many times in the last year, if it happens again, you'll survive the same way you always have.
This. won't. kill. you. unless. you. let. it. But you won't, Mom taught you how to be strong. Dad taught you how to be smart.
Don't shut people out.
You aren't a burden.
 You have people who love you, let them help. keeping things bottled up isn't good for you.
Do you feel like crying?
It's ok to cry. You'll feel better, plus your roommate already thinks you have overactive tear ducts. She's used to you by now.

Don't be upset with God due to what has transpired. He knows what is best, even if it takes a while for you to see what's in store.
Be confident. You're parents didn't do too shabby of a job mixing their genes together to make you.
It's one of your best features. Dad and Dr. Ellingston worked hard to pay for and fix that mouth of yours.  Plus, I think that's what attracts people to you.
People like happy people. If you want to keep the friends you have, and add to that list, you need to be the happy, and confident person I know you are capable of being.
Stop telling yourself that you are going crazy. You are more stable than you think. Don't create a self proclaiming prophecy regarding yourself that you don't like. Your mentality has so much power.
You aren't an inconvenience.
Eat healthy.
These things are good for you. 

Listen, this is going to be hard to hear:

He still loves you. Try to believe it.
Just because he is moving on doesn't mean everything you had was a lie. 
He still means what he said.
Stop reminiscing on how happy he made you. Live in the present, not the past.
I know you love the same music he does, but maybe you need to take a break from that stuff. Especially the songs he used to play on the guitar.
Go back to Country.
Stop imagining your future with him. It's time to delete his baby pictures, your children won't look like him. Stop planning what you are going to do for birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions. You're  just going to make it harder.
You will probably never live in Chile, or learn Spanish. Accept this.
It's time to put on your big girl panties.

I know it's gonna be hard, but learn to be open to love again. It may hurt again, and again, and again. That pain is real. It will always be real. 
Don't think you are alone. 
You aren't the only one who breaks down in private places. If you keep trying, eventually you will find someone who will make it not hurt anymore. When you find them, don't drive them away, because you deserve them.

You are blessed. So blessed. 

He's cute right? And so nice... Don't dismiss him too soon,and don't scare him away. You are more of a catch than you like to think. You have something to offer.
Give yourself, and others a chance.
I know sometimes you don't want to listen to me, but always listen to the leaders you know and love:

 "1. Forget not to be patient with yourself.
2. Forget not the differences between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice.
3. Forget not to be happy now.
4. Forget not the why of the gospel.
5. Forget not that the Lord loves you."
-President Deiter F. Uchtdorf

I'm sorry I haven't treated you the best in the past, but I hope we can get back to where we know we can be. We can do this. 

Mom sent us this link.

We'll get there someday too.

Don't give up. 
The savior didn't. It's gonna be ok :)
See you soon.

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