Saturday, February 18, 2012

"You're the blood in my veins, you're the smell before rain."

No matter how much you want to, or attempt to, it's impossible to give yourself the silent treatment. You can ignore and insult yourself all you want, but somehow you just can't and won't leave yourself alone. Does that even make sense? I can't escape you either. No matter what you care to think, or what judgements other people create upon their own accord, you are part of me and I can't escape myself.

How is it that when someone is no longer around, suddenly they are everywhere?
What are the chances that some random guy in my living room would pick up the guitar, and strum 5 chords that would pierce my heart. Out of all the songs in the world, he happened to choose to play the first song you ever sang to me. They were pretty impressed I even knew the song "The boy who blocked his own shot" let alone recognized it, from the exile of my room, after just a few chords.

"If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand
Hope you find out what you are; already know what I am
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again
You can tell me how vile I already know that I am
I'll grow old, start acting my age
It'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate
A crown of gold, a heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts to hold on, but it's missed when it's gone"

You are in the shoes the guy next to me at work was wearing. (was it cramped in there? haha) I fumbled a phone call, lost in my own thoughts. I'd never seen Sperry's before I saw them on you. Now I see them on the guy my roommate went on a date with, they're on the feet of all my co-workers, next thing you know the autistic children I work with will be wearing them too!

I went and saw the movie The Vow. Beautiful. Sad. a little too close to home in a twisted sort of way. I didn't love it, and got pretty good use out of those tissues that I always have in my purse. Just in case ;)
Ladies, I haven't even decided if I'd recommend that movie yet or not, I'll let you know.

You were in my car when I turned it on and the CD in the CD player that automatically played was one that you made for me.

"So take it a day at a time,
They all say I'm doing fine,
The day's not gone, 
There's something left, 
The truth is it still takes away my breath.
The it is gone, again,
so I'll be moving on, again.
And all that I did,
is try to forget,
and all that I've said... It doesn't mean shhhh."

Sometimes you are in my dreams, sometimes my nightmares, it all balances on which way my subconscious wants to portray you. Whether it be the way things were, or the way things are, I've found not even in sleep does refuge lie.
I swear I'm not just some whiney love-struck girl who can't get over a crush. 
It's hard to just forget the man you imagined you'd someday find napping with your baby on his chest. That person who would chase all the monsters away with his words. The man you'd grow old with, who's calm green eyes would never fade with the years.
Those of you who have that already, do you know what I mean?
Does anyone? Or am I really that self-absorbed and crazy?
hmm. I guess time will tell.

Raise your hand if you are tired or hearing all this woe-is-me!
Yea, me too. 
Turns out my blog is really a glorified journal, you'll never have to worry about me filtering my true thoughts. So choose to read at your own risk friends. 

It will all work out. 
Now repeat.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It's hard to loose the one you love.
    You're a beautiful girl though, so I know everything will work out!



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