Monday, April 2, 2012

Second time's the charm! Here's to looking forward.

There I was. On the bedroom floor, staring at the ceiling, not even being able to remember how I got there. All I knew was I couldn't breathe, I was broken, empty, alone. So much of me was him, and now, laying on the ground crying, I didn't recognize the person I'd become. Who was this girl? This girl who'd become so needy, so dependent on his words, so emotionally unstable, I am not this girl. I knew I'd done this to myself; I had the opportunity to marry him, and I chose to run. I was scared, immature, alone. I pondered and realized nothing has changed since then. 7 months later, I was worse off now, than I was when I believed I couldn't go anywhere but up. I just need him. I need him to hold me together, to tell me it'll be okay, to simply acknowledge I wasn't invisible. But he wouldn't. He was moving on, he'd found someone else, oh how crazy thinking about him with her was making me. So like I always did, I grabbed a piece of paper and began writing. I wrote him yet another letter. Pathetic, but I had to. It was my way of organizing my thoughts. One of his Ex-girlfriends actually recommended it, oh how smart she is. 

I learned many important things through this painful experience of losing his presence. Really experiencing the loss of him in my life: 
1. I was sad when we were engaged last time. Very sad, nervous, alone, stressed, and all these things on top of school made me feel trapped and so scared. I always felt ill at the thought of marriage and was in such a miserable state, I saw no happiness in the future, married or not. My family thought it was the hormones of birth control, but I had my doubts; the feeling was indescribable. Nevertheless, I got off birth control and the feelings remained. I tried to ignore them but they wouldn't leave, and therefore I felt impressed there was only one explanation: God was prompting me that I was not taking the route I needed to take in this important decision. This was tremendously hard to accept. How could someone so perfect be wrong for me? I had moments of hatred, and misunderstanding of myself, love, and the whole situation. I'll confess some nights I'd pray and felt completely uncared for. None of it made sense. So I called off the wedding, and you know what? The feeling didn't go away. Where was the feeling? Where was the refuge? Nothing made sense, until now. 
 Last summer was not the time for me to be married. There was so much room for my love for Ryan to mature, and I can see now how this series of events was eventually worth it. The most important thing I know was that the Lord was not telling me "No, not him" in regards to marriage, he was saying "No, not now." 

2. I needed to mature; to analyze my mistakes in the relationship, learn how to improve, how to handle stress,  and I needed to feel what life was like without him. I didn't like it.

 3. I learned a lot about myself. I lost 20 lbs (unintentionally at that), so there's a perk, and I needed to learn to really rely on the Lord, and The Savior.  I read in a book called "Making Sense of Suffering" that sometimes a person needs to experience their own Gethsemane, in order to truly understand a appreciate the suffering the Lord Jesus Christ experienced through The Atonement. Yea, I really get it now, and for that I am so grateful.

Back to the letters, I kept writing them and it wasn't until later I realized that though I knew how much I loved him, and fully expressed it, he still had no idea, because I had the full collection of letters unknown to him. Time was ticking. Some things were within my control and others were not, but all I knew was if he never knew just how much I loved him, I would always regret that. So pathetic, weak, and lacking all pride I'd taken 20 years to collect, like an 8th grader passing a note to her crush, I gave the letters to his roommate and asked he give them to him. Ryan's girlfriend was not happy. That was a rough week. I begged, and prayed, and couldn't understand a logical reason why Ryan would give me another shot. I purely relied on the fact that the Lord knew the intentions of my heart, and that if this was how it was supposed to be, and Ryan was as in tune to promptings and personal revelations as I believed he was, things would work out. And miraculously, they did. He broke up with his girlfriend, and gave me another chance! I went and met his WONDERFUL family for a weekend!
We drove to Utah, stayed in a condo, ate LOTS of delicious cookies and meals and watched movies, saw his sister perform, sang, relaxed and visited my lil angelic niece.

(Sweet baby Heidi. Such a little lady.)

 It was fabulous.
Then we took a wrong turn on the way back and drove til 2 in the morning. This stud drove the whooole way. (and bought me candy at a gas station!) I love him.

 Anyways, one blissful and emotional month later, (after a year and a half of "maybe's") I'm elated to say  
WE ARE ENGAGED! (again.) 

(aaand I'm kind of obsessed with my ring. Call me vain, but I love sparkly things!)
For real this time though, I'm going through with it and I'm so Excited!

And I'm proud to say that after everything we've been through, after all those times he was ready and I wasn't, and I was ready and he wasn't, WE'RE FINALLY ON THE SAME PAGE! Difficult as it TRULY was at the time, I finally understand this portion of the Lords plan, and he has made the pain I experienced meaningful and with a purpose. To those of you who don't know our history, catch up woth blog posts from the last year. Hopefully from here on out, we'll have less lemons and more lemonade! Yadda mean (you know what I mean)
So here's to no more breakups and depressing posts, cheers!
 Now expect Engagements, more birthcontrol posts, and the excitement of engagement. Those of you single women out there, I'm sorry, you may start to hate me. 
(juuust kidding, I'll keep it real :)
And that's the way the cookie crumbled.


  1. Aww I'm so happy for you! You deserve it!
    But if your blog turns into a wedding planning blog like everyone else seems to do when they get engaged, I might stop reading. But I'll still love ya! haha

  2. It is very inspiring to hear your story of how you got engaged. I can understand how you felt the first time you got engaged, and yes sometimes you just need time. I got married young and although I was sure we were doing the right things, sometimes I worried what others would think.

    I wish you all the best for you wedding and future together!



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