Thursday, May 24, 2012

"I'm Blue da ba dee da ba dye"

When I was about 8, I noticed something rather peculiar about my older brother Bryan. He wasn't quite like the rest of us. 
He never seemed to get into trouble, he had a birthmark on his cheek, and was rather different. 
Then I discovered something that really led me to wonder.

Bryan had an Outtie belly button.
This was an obvious red flag to me. So one day, while Bryan was unloading the dishwasher, I interrogated  him and learned something I would never forget.
Bryan confessed to me that he.... he.... he..... 
He was an alien.

Though I cannot fully admit this came as a surprise to me, it was still a little suspicious. How could the answer be so simple? So overlooked? 

"You don't look like an Alien.", I responded.
"I wear a mask.", He said
(duuh Valerie.)
"Then take it off.", I replied.
"I cannot, I've had it on for so long, It's stuck!", he said as he tugged, pulled and flapped his cheeks together.
This seemed reasonable to me. No use in arguing. 
The song "I'm blue da ba dee da ba dye" happened to be popular on the radio at the time, so I asked, "What color are you?"
His response: 
"Blue." 
..............

From that day on, we went about our lives as we normally would. I, an earthling, being the only one knowing my "brother's" secret; He, an alien, far from home, making a new life on planet earth. He served a mission in Africa, married a human girl, reproduced and attends college at BYU-provo; the perfect cover of an average, normal, LDS young man.
But though rarely spoken of, I've never forgotten the truth. I did look at people with outtie belly buttons a little more closely. I lived haunted with the wonder of how many like him were out there. They could be my friends, my neighbors, my teachers. This I came to accept, and was forced to bury deep within myself.

Then one day, my mom sent me a picture.

I knew it.


Many may think this was some sort of pre-mature mid-life crisis (after all, he is expecting his second child in July). But the story he claims is that he is about to graduate, and has always wanted to paint himself blue for a BYU-Cougar game, and when he enters the work force will never be able to shave his head. 
Nice cover-up, but I knew better. 
Blogger world, my loyal followers, you now share in my secret. He is an Alien. His mask has begun to wear off. Oh, the horror his wife must have experienced when she noticed his smurf-like tint! Oh how many pictures his sweet baby Heidi will have to hide from future boyfriends and pursuers (no one must know how her dad is a freak!)

But now, YOU know. Take this knowledge and use it responsibly.
As for you, Bryan: I'm sorry. I couldn't carry this burden any longer. But have faith in humankind. Have faith we will accept you. Mom may still love you as if you were her own child. Take this opportunity to move forward. I.... love you.
No matter how blue you really are.


Sunday, May 20, 2012

 I feel like I really wouldn't be myself if I weren't late to post about birthdays and holidays, so there you go. My motha's day post:
 
Ten things I love about my momma:
1. She would let kids be kids. No matter how much Laundry she had to do...
2. Despite how many holes we shot into our fence, how much paper, paint and glue we wasted, how many sports games we lost, she always encouraged her children's interests.

3. She listens and is understanding. My momma treats us like adults and offers her thoughts and opinions, but never forces her choice onto us. She lets us make our mistakes, and then teaches us how to learn from them.
4. I can always rely on her. If there's anything I need, she's there. If I ask her to do me a favor, consider it done. I never have to wonder if she has gotten around to anything, she's a doer.
5. She knows when to yell, and when to laugh. Thankfully, she mostly laughs. So, we spilled a gallon of hot pink paint on the garage stairs... that's cool. I guess we're painting the stairs pink! There's moms easygoing train of thought in action.
6. When some mother's see their children running around naked, stuck in a strange places, covered in some identifiable (or unidentifiable) substance, or eating food off the floor, they may try to clean it up, teach a new lesson, scold on why we don't do certain things... My mom takes a picture and prays there is no permanent physical or mental damage. So far so good... right?
 (it was CHEESECAKE people, what would you have done?!)

7. My mom finds the time to help her children accomplish what they want to do, whether it's staying up late to work on a project, or taking her kids fabric shopping to sew the next new Pinterest idea, she's there.
8. I'm 21 years old, and my mommy still sends care packages to school :) ... they usually include my car insurance bill which takes a little bit of the fun outta it, but what can you do? Be jealous.
9. My mom let her children plaster the basement in Dairy Queen advertisements and decided they should be permanent decor. You may call it tacky, I call it LEGENDARY. Next we just have to sell her on the soft-serve machine with blizzard toppings idea, and then we've hit the jackpot. 

10. She's basically just the best momma ever. Nuff said. 



Now, For the first time.... uh...ever... I have 2 momma's for Mother's Day!!! (better than Christmas right?)
So, in honor of such a glorious event, I give you:
10 Things I love about my momma Stratford! (or "Jolicious" if you are feelin extra spicy ;)

1. She is a DOLL. Absolutely adorable. I tell you what, I don't think she's aged a day since she was 25.
2. She is so warm. She just makes you feel so comfortable and welcomed, the first time I met her I felt so loved, like I'd known her all my life. That's pretty dang awesome if you ask me. 
3. She's so sweet! You hear all these horror stories about mother-in-laws and what not, and frankly, I feel a little jipped that I might not have any! 
4. Cookies. Amazing. That is all I have to say. 
5. She LOVES her children. Boy, there isn't anything she wouldn't do for them. Just seeing the way she talks about them, worries about them... man. (Ryan you stinker, YOUR MOMMA LOVES YOU!)
 6. She is selfless. She and papa Stratford drove around Salt Lake city looking for movies and treats and anything to make our weekend wonderful when I met them the first time. I'm a pretty lucky girl to have two sets of selfless parents.
7. She's way easy to talk to. Conversation flows so easily, and she says exactly how she feels. I know that if I ever needed someone to go to, she'd be ready and waiting!
8. She's such a fun momma. LOOK HOW PRECIOUS! She's dressed up like a clown. And look at Ryguy! good heavens, my babies are gonna be cute. :)

9. She's a DANG good cook. Poor Ryan is probably gonna lose weight when he marries me...
10. Most importantly, she raised a remarkable man for me to fall in love with. I've decided that sure, he can get some of the credit, but he still got a lot from his momma. There aren't words to adequately thank her enough for that.
(Ooooooooh that  BABY BOY! If I don't have babies as cute as that, I may sue for false advertising. Watch out.)

Anywho, so I'm a week late, mother-appreciation is everyday of the year and I LOVE MY MOMMA'S

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

If this doesn't brighten your day, I don't know what will.

My roommate showed me this.
Flat. Out. Funny.


Someday, I WILL do this in public. Who's with me?!
I'm gonna go buy me some Sun Drop.

Have a gloriously sunny day :)

Thursday, May 3, 2012

I'm missin my little guy.

I must admit, I'm reeeeaaaally missing my kiddo's at the elementary school where I worked the last few months. My sweet lil client Preston was sick the last few days so I didn't even get to say goodbye! The worst part about leaving is I know he won't miss me. In fact, because of his mental condition, he probably won't even notice I'm gone and that someone new is there. Goodness I love that little boy so much. I think I should ask his parents to leave custody of him to me in their will. Just in case.


Just look at that lil face, with that adorable concerned expression that he is always sporting... He is truly a gift. By far the sweetest boy I've ever met.
I'm sad I'm gonna miss him growing up. Just look at Conner, he was my client last year and he changed SO much in 9 months!




Out of all the hard things this job entails, by far the most difficult thing is trying to not fall in love with the kids, and being able to let them go when you leave. Boo. Ryan jokes that this job is God's way of prepping us with a mentally challenged child. Is it wrong that I hope he's right? Because that would be quite the blessing if I do say so myself. These kids bring a purity that is unmatched by anyone else and I love it. 
Extra/missing chromosomes: bring it on!